It's Not You, It's Me. Really.

Here's my dilemma: I fear that my harsh inner criticism has distorted the perspective of my previous post, and in doing so rendered it impossible for others to gain a clear picture of things. Part of the problem is that I left out a significant amount of information, so this is an attempt to fill in those gaps.

I loved to read when I was a child, and I especially enjoyed fantasy books. I read constantly, obsessively. I also enjoyed making up stories of my own, and excelled at writing assignments in school. When I was in 2nd grade, I wrote about two boys who buy the wrong fertilizer for their mother's garden, and spend the rest of their story battling mutant vegetables across town. My teacher was certain that I'd copied this story from somewhere, and she even called my parents in for a conference on the issue (the piece, of course, was my own original work). In fourth grade I wrote a story about a boy who could jump between worlds across time and space, and my mom sent it to a local university publisher to get his thoughts. I was told that the story was good, but it needed to be longer to be considered for a children's novel. He strongly urged that I should finish the story and come back to see him.

During this time I was also excelling at math and science, and I had dreams of becoming a scientist when I grew up. I was in special math classes by then, and in seventh grade I started attending a second school in the afternoon (Center for the Arts and Sciences- CAS) that specialized in math and science. I wanted to be a nuclear physicist. I was also very good at baseball and soccer, and had dreams of playing college sports. Additionally, I spent countless childhood hours drawing alien landscapes, castles and dragons. I loved art, and actually considered enrolling in the art program at CAS in seventh grade instead of the math & science program. I was also actively involved in music. I played the piano reasonably well and excelled on the trombone. I had dreams of being in a cool jazz band.

Somewhere down the line, each of these dreams fizzled out. Especially during my high school years, I stopped playing sports, stopped reading, stopped writing, abandoned the trombone, and barely graduated with my diploma. I was in no shape to go off to college, and began considering the military as an option.

The Navy was a life-changing experience for me. It didn't happen like the flip of a switch, but gradually I began to learn discipline and responsibility, just as the kids that were serving along side me. I worked hard, probably for the first time in my life, and began working from a new list of goals: get promotions, earn high evaluations, and get my degree. As I progressed in my career and my maturity, I added to the list: pursue my master's degree, complete the command mission with pride, guide my junior sailors to success. I even began to re-kindle my childhood love of the written word.

There were a great many things I could not do while I was in the military, and the list of things I wanted to pick up from my childhood is extensive. I've tried to indulge the inner bookworm between classes and duty assignments, and read some great books and series: Harry Potter, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, Gates of Fire, The Name of the Wind, Eragon, Neverwhere, The City of Ember, and others. I probably managed to get through 2-3 books a year, which totals roughly 20-30 books over my decade in the Navy. So, here's how I am a poser: I happy declare that I love fantasy and science fiction books, but my list of reads over the past 15 years is woefully diminutive.

Now that my education is complete and I am out of the Navy, I plan on indulging my inner sci-fi/fantasy fanhood. My minimum goals is a book a month, and my ultimate goal is a book a week. I'm so happy to be reading again! Additionally, a story I began many years ago slowly began to take solid form during my 2005-2006 deployment, and now rests at a nice 61,000 words. I just may complete that novel after all.

Thank you for bearing with me on this exhaustive post. It was very cathartic to voice the demons I carry from my long list of childhood disappointments. Although I can never go back and realize most of my dreams of youth, I can fulfill their spirit in new and exciting ways. I'll never play baseball for University of Michigan, but running a 5k race will fill the void in my soul for a sense of accomplishment in the arena of athleticism. Reading the Bible, learning Spanish, finishing my novel, reading all the books I own, learning computer programming, studying Calculus, and learning how to draw all have elements that trace back to my childhood, and accomplishments in these areas will fill large holes of disappointment in my heart.

If you have read this far, I thank you again for your patience and compassion. Have a blessed day.

-Sailor Matt